Intoxication (11/19/08)

I stood in the doorway of my room for the first time in five days.
I think I've been avoiding this on purpose.
I can't even bring myself to turn the light on.

"Fuck me" he had whispered close to my ear.

The events of what occurred have been re-playing themselves in bits and pieces in my mind since Saturday morning.

By now the memories are even foggier.
I can't tell the difference between what I dreamed, what I mentally filled in to make sense of it all, and what really truly happened.

Was the point of going to my room to pack my bags or end the night here?

We were kissing.
My room was pitch black and I could barely see his face.
Please be as blind as me - I prayed to myself.
I hope he doesn't notice the disaster zone of a room I'm currently living in.
I still can't make out his face...I don't want to...I want this to be more of a dream than a reality.
No real feelings here.

This is the result of two years of sexual tension between us and too much alcohol.

This is what you've been wanting.
This is what you've been trying to avoid.

Which is it tonight?

Fumbling drunk
Kissing.
Fooling around.
He is so intoxicating.

"Fuck me", he almost moans.

I freeze in the dark.

Did I hear that or imagine it?
I stay quiet.
I'm so afraid of actually being able to see and focus on what's really going on that I've practically made myself deaf in the process.
Why are we even in my room? How did we end up here?

"Fuck me", he whispers again.

I try to focus on his face...still can't make it out.

"Maybe we should stop, you look terrified", he says.

Shocked that apparently, it's not as dark as I would hope, I laugh nervously...
"How can you even see me right now?"

He laughs and replies, "Whaat, I can see you."

"No you can't" I challenge.
He's becoming impatient.

I finally mutter, "If we do this, I'll hate myself in the morning."

He sits back against the wall dejectedly, "Well, if you're going to hate yourself then...."

After a moment of silence he mutters, "I really thought we were going to fuck tonight".

My brother was right about him.
He takes what he wants, when he wants...whether or not he's in a relationship.
I knew all of this and yet I let my inhibitions take over.
"Fuck it", I told myself out on the sidewalk where he initially grabbed me and kissed me, "I've had enough to drink where none of this will ever matter. For the first time, I don't care how this turns out".

Who was I kidding?
It's me --The girl whose conscience is louder than any atomic bomb.

I'm waiting on him to make a move.
"I think I just want to sleep in my own bed tonight" he decides.

I pack my bag quickly and ask him if he's okay to drive.
"Are you kidding? I drive a van across country! I drive a van..." he jokes.

We get in the car and I'm fading.
There's a three hour drive ahead of us.

"It's not three hours!" He teases.
Yea, that's what you think....

I pass him a cd for the journey.
I'm fading so fast.
There's not way I can make it through this.
Out out out.

"Rise and shine" he says.
We pull up to his driveway.
It's 4:45AM

We had made it.

I continue to look around my room in the dark for another moment.
Everything is the same as I left it.
It's only the mood that's different.

I flip on the light switch.
This place is as messy as my life.


Time for a cleanup.

Kill Your Idols.

So it's quickly becoming apparent that everything around me is changing at a rapid pace and probably for the worst.

Everything about what you love will soon be destroyed.

Don't forget that.

Thanks Boss.

I bought my boss a $15 gift certificate to Jaques Torres, a chocolate place across the street from where we work.

I adore her and gave it as a thank you for three pretty decent months of working for her.

She calls me at work to tell me something along the lines of,

PAs shouldn't give their boss's cheaper gifts than what they give them. You should never buy your boss a gift. A boss should buy their employees gifts. She's going to give it back to me and such and such. The last thing she needs is for her ass to get bigger etc etc.

Eventually we ended the conversation and I almost cried at work.

She's giving it back to me?

I'm not supposed to do that?

Apparently they weren't kidding with they said good intentions are the pathway to hell.

Sorry I tried to show you I cared. Thanks for completely hurting my feelings.

Apparently I didn't drink enough to not care about this.

Hey Dude, FUCK OFF.

You are fucking horrible person.
Don't ever speak to me again.
Your cds and letter are getting destroyed.

As for you, Miss, you will get every single thing that you deserve.
I didn't trust you from the minute I saw you.
You have proven to me that I should have stuck with my gut instinct.
I hope you two are very very very happy in your union.

It's a shame your brother is so wonderful and you are so despicable.

Have fun guys and remember to FUCK OFF!

I'm missing your voice right now.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but all I want is for you to call me.

I need to hear your voice.
I want to know that everything will be okay.

I think it's because someone new is calling me.
His voice isn't has filled with the same devastating desire.
His accent isn't as pleasant.

Since when am I not worthy of even a text or IM anymore?
It's fine if you don't want this to become serious, but what happened to innocent conversation?

I'm seriously at a loss here.
You truly lived up to everything I accused you of.

What a damn shame.

ME vs I, ME vs MYSELF

I think I'm dying.
I think I'm fucking dying inside.

Why can't we just go back to a month ago?
Humor me and pretend that you want to make this work.
Pretend that you really care about me.

I need the sound of your voice.
I need your laughter.
I need your truth.

I'm fucking choking on regret every second of my day.