suffering from narcissism

this coming year,
i want it to be all about me.

no more texts telling me to wake up
no more love you's before goodnights

no more, "why'd he comment this"
"why were you on this website"
"why are you going there?"

no more be here at this time-on time-
wear this not that

attend this party
let's go here
let's see this together

you're good intentions
have done well and good

but, {for awhile}
i need it to be
me on my terms

better in o8'?

you think you know how to be better
because to you, taking steps forward is forgetting how you got there

good or bad
these things made you human

don't hook up with her
don't fall in love
no more deaths
no speaking this way or that

it's more pretentious than you realize

you think making new resolutions will erase what has happened
you know i was there and a part of it.

i'll remember who you were since you promise not to.

between the heart and the synapse

honestly,
at times i feel like the unhappiest person on earth.

i want to be alone
i want to be alone
i want to be alone

free from the shackles of current and possible love
i want to be unloved.

im either starving for attention or running from its grasp
who am i really?

i'd rather be free from chains of expectations
to be able to answer to no one
"do as i please"

ill probably blame you for all of this
because when it comes down to it
i doubt that there are enough male hearts on earth for me to break
to relinquish what you did to me

i AM the car crash heart

The Most Romantic Song in Ages.

"Oh The Way"

Oh the way you, looking like you own the room
Yeah, you do it so well
That I can't tell if it's okay to take you home with me

If just for tonight, or the rest our lives
I will take my time to show you how you're always on my mind
So can you take off that brown shirt
So I can get to know you better
You've got me wrapped around your finger
You've got me wrapped around your finger

Every time I close my eyes I pray for night time
To take me home
And the clouds in the sky lit up by moonlight
Are my only guide to take me home

If just for tonight, or the rest our lives
I will take my time to show you how you're always on my mind
So can you take off that brown shirt
So I can get to know you better
You've got me wrapped around your finger
You've got me wrapped around your finger

So stand up or sit down
You always had a funny way of not knowing what to do
And oh it seems to mean much more when you
You bat your eyes and tell me the truth
But if you listen to the sound of my heart beat
You know you can truly tell
The feeling that you get when our eyes meet
It's something more than you've ever felt

The night is over all the lights are out
Just you and I in this empty house

We've got so much time
We've got so much time

So step back and never let go
Your voice is the only thing that guides me home
So step back and never let go
Cause it's something I just thought that you should know

--- Promise of Redemption

you have no idea...

"When she cries, she screams inside,
Her secrets can't be told.
And when she lies, she screams at night,
And her secrets keep her sick."

thanksgiving eve

tonight the clouds walk the earth
enveloping us in deceptive blankets
we are blind to the truth
to our destination

i wonder how this will all end.

are you in the same place as me?
i never meant to hurt you
but i need to be treated like i'm a good human being.

indecisive

watch this leaning tower of feelings quickly tumble.

i jump in with eyes closed
and will probably leave permanently blind in one eye or both.

you may be my demise but you're currently the best thing that's happened to me in awhile.
you see the parts that he has so often destroyed
and you aim to bring them to life

i feel amused
yet befuddled

my heart sings and cries at the same time.


this is the anatomy of a scarlet letter.

on the radio

why is it that every song about heartbreak makes me think that it's about me?

nostalgic for disaster

i'm not one for taking on addictions...
but swallowing the blues has seemed so appealing lately

...doesn't that just scream desperation?
a wasted life?
perhaps.

our failures make us recognize purpose
but not necessarily how to obtain it for ourselves.
and sometimes we yearn for tragedy, just so we have a good story


btw, is there rehab for heartbreakers?

&*&#*#@&*(@#&*(@#&(@*
hum hallelujah.

i'm in the business of misery.....

this really has to be the most pointless situation.

do you really not notice or are you purposely trying to make me the bad guy?

i just want to feel something lively, purposeful, and worthwhile in my life.

to be or not to be....entertained

the worst thing you can do to a gemini is bore her.

we need:

humor
attention
converstation
enthusiasm
confidence
adventure
kindness
sincerity
appreciation
a challenge
love

if you can't provide us with almost all of those things,
then consider yourself in danger of being pushed aside or replaced.

it may be harsh words
but if our brain isn't constantly being raked,
then we're out of our minds.

we are flirtatious socialites,
please, support the cause.

on the radio....

so what does it mean
when the love songs i hear
no longer remind me of you?

they only make me think of something that i one day hope to find....

seeking safe landing on sharp objects

...it'll just break your back
and not your fall.
watch out for what glitters--it may just be fool's gold.

a watched pot never boils
and a held phone never rings

i hate goodbyes but i'd rather it be me first on the other line
kinda feels like the upperhand.

cmj this weekend
reminds me of last year's memories.

so it shall be the anniversary
of events that i have yet to recover from.

let's move on soon*

meet me in montauk

sometimes i ponder the events of our reunion.
maybe something ridiculous like almost getting into a car crash with each other, just to realize it's you and me.
or maybe wondering into your farm in the rain and you're there waiting.


i want someone who appreciates me
who is proud to be with me
be a bragger
post my picture
say your heart belongs to me and only me

i want that 16-year old, fairytale love
while i'm young please.

you were always on my mind

ever speak of the devil and then have him appear at your doorstep?
ever think you see someone 3x over and then have them appear by the 4th glance?
i guess we all are a little mad with hope.

we want to create magic and miracles
for the sake of love and happiness.

our perfect world, on our terms.....

dumbfounded

lately life has taken a really interesting, and poor turn for me.

my mom dropped a bunch of serious and disappointing news regarding her marital status.
i choose not to go into details nor do i care to acknowledge or accept her claims in any fashion.
my parents have been married for 22 years...ups and downs but mostly happy.
i refuse to see it all go down the drain NOW.
and further...if she is just NOW seeing issues with our family business that have been quite apparent for the past 5 years...then maybe she deserves to blame herself...
i've tried pointing these things out for quite some time now but she was in denial about everything.


now onto other pressing matters.

so a certain band has stayed with my on 2 occasions.
the most recent being in august.
one member i have kept in contact with on and off for the past 8 months or so.
the last time he stayed, he's put forth obvious flirtations and suggestions
(IE: "come make love to me in the van"
i have the texts to prove it)
and i even agreed to be his "cuddle buddy" for a night.
(nothing happened besides serious spooning)
today, thanks to the wonders of the internet
i found out that he's a DAD.

wow.
i feel really awkward.

and what's even more interesting....
i don't think that it's his girlfriend's.

what is with the company i keep?

"Better in bed than ever as friends"

it's really quite terrible where curiosity and loneliness has led me.

i hope to learn how to walk on two feet
with out stumbling
(especially when i have my eyes closed)

because i know i'll need my two hands to knock you the f*ck out.


i hate being sleepless.

"Why do I hurt just on purpose?"

i can try to move on to band number 2
but then i wonder if that further hinders the problem.
because when i hear that voice,
i'm really only hearing yours.

you've taken my life
and smashed it into millions of pieces that float around this state.

most days i think i'll never be the same
i'm the ghost version of what i used to know
i make decisions that are so unlike me
my heart seems so open and so completely closed
....to the exact opposite of what i thought i believed.

i hold my breath at least twice a day.
you live like we've never met
and i should have left well alone
when i had the upperhand

you were the first
the last
the worst
...real experience i've ever had.




you'll be the first person i'll erase
i'll make my mind spotless
just to feel some sanity
and less of you.

"you've caused this collapse, between the heart and the synapse"

sometimes we come across situations that seemed to be themed by music.
lucky you if you understand what i mean.

there was a certain someone who was themed by two artists.
one he showed me.
the other we had a mutual admiration for.
when feeling nostalgic, i listen to one or the other.

the past week and a half i had been feeling particularly masochistic.
so i listened and listen to our mutual admiration.

hit repeat
repeat
repeat
repeat.

understood and heard parts that i've never payed attention to.

and then suddenly....
it all went away.

and i'm okay.
for now.
and that cd will go back on the shelf until next time.

Pete/Hemmy = Me/Hurley

An excerpt from his posts on F.O.E.:

obligatory post of the love of my life

i kind of wish he walked on two legs and dressed like a lil homie so we could go to the movies and hold paws- and i could call him "shawwwty".

Hurley Dude:



we each have our little friends that we dream of
it may sound sick, but i'll bet that we'd both stop traffic for these two.

"The truth is vile, but vital to this cause"

"Oh, how I've been teething
In light of your misleading
You've caused this collapse
Between the heart and the synapse"



i went to nyc...
saw his favorite band
i expected him
i waited for him
i thought i saw him in a glance


who made me this way?
i hope you've felt as desperate as me.

good kharma, bad kharma

"cuz i'm a wishful thinker wit the worst intentions...."

or something to that effect.

i regret at least 3 things every day.

the grass is always greener....

"let's
face it
we're
oh so desperate."

i imagine my perfect world
it all feels like just a myth....

the chase is better than the catch

don't we all look bigger & better beneath the surface?
i guess we all like to dream.
wouldn't it be nice if every first glance depicted real life?
the truth is,
we only see what we want to see.

"give me gravity
give me clarity
give me something to rely on.

we're all puppets
we're all marionettes."

One Hundred Times

Ok so I claimed that I couldn’t trust him
When it really was in just one aspect.

There’s a funny thing about him.

I don’t care
I don’t care
I don’t care

Until that smile.

Then it’s easy to forget
And really easy to want.

We are all just ridiculous people.

“hey, want to get high?
It’s peer pressure
of all the people, I want to see you get high”

“you’re going to leave me?
What else have you got to do?
just stay with me”

Dazed&Confused

We shall be spoons
I’ll be kissed on the forehead
Inhale the familiar scent
Of booze, smoke, pot, cologne
Always
At least in our night meetings.
He plans to quit one of those
But for now I’ll inhale it and memorize.

We’re just back and forth people.
A challenge is fun, as long as you never get to the finish line.

"These Bones are mere Accessories"

good moods like good looks

or the other way around.

"i am a living ghost"
at least that's how life is post-college.

if it wasn't for certain sweet hangs,
or the music...
i'd be 6 feet under.

rise
rise
rise

consider THIS summer

lyrics to the almost name of this domain.


rock and roll girl come outside tonight.
put your arms up in the moonlight.
have you ever been in love?
well i have i have.
well this is something you should consider.
don't know what we can be.
you don't know.
will you dance with me tonight.
can't wait until tomorrow.
will you dance with me tonight
before your chance is over.
rock and roll girl runaway with me.
let me show you everything that we could be.
by the way this song is for you.
well this is something you should consider
and you could be be a perfect star to hold me,
just tell me where you are.
i can't stay for summer time.
summer...

--- rookie of the year

dream date?

so i've been having dreams about an old crush.

i can't remember if it happened 2 or 3 times.
but for some reason pete wentz has led me to him.

the first time, i took a brave chance and drove to his family business at night, even though i knew that it was probably closed.
a man parked next to me....he knew my name and said they were waiting for me.
i went inside and it seems that they had finished eating dinner and were eager for my arrival.
they showed me photo albums of him.
for some reason he had black hair
and i waited for him to come out to see me
but i woke up.


the second dream i was spending time with pete wentz and he told me that i needed to meet his friend's band.
and he was there in a 3-piece band with long blond hair.
i looked hard at his face and knew it was him.
he smiled as if he was waiting for me
he cut his hair that day
and was ready to make this happen for me...
to make this like i always wanted.

and then i woke up.

i haven't seen him in over 8 years.
maybe it's time to open up an old door.

friends, ex-friends till the end.

we are trapped by top 8's and top friends.

it's weird how fast someone can come in and fade out of your life.
and i wonder how strong that relationship was to begin with.
if it ever meant something, wouldn't you be able to work through it?

Start Today

life is funny.
it will give you everything in a moment
and then take it all away before you realize how good you had it.

i'm at the point where life is taking another turn and i'm feeling left behind

here's to the thoughts that plague me.
may i find a real cure...