Thanks Boss.

I bought my boss a $15 gift certificate to Jaques Torres, a chocolate place across the street from where we work.

I adore her and gave it as a thank you for three pretty decent months of working for her.

She calls me at work to tell me something along the lines of,

PAs shouldn't give their boss's cheaper gifts than what they give them. You should never buy your boss a gift. A boss should buy their employees gifts. She's going to give it back to me and such and such. The last thing she needs is for her ass to get bigger etc etc.

Eventually we ended the conversation and I almost cried at work.

She's giving it back to me?

I'm not supposed to do that?

Apparently they weren't kidding with they said good intentions are the pathway to hell.

Sorry I tried to show you I cared. Thanks for completely hurting my feelings.

Apparently I didn't drink enough to not care about this.

Hey Dude, FUCK OFF.

You are fucking horrible person.
Don't ever speak to me again.
Your cds and letter are getting destroyed.

As for you, Miss, you will get every single thing that you deserve.
I didn't trust you from the minute I saw you.
You have proven to me that I should have stuck with my gut instinct.
I hope you two are very very very happy in your union.

It's a shame your brother is so wonderful and you are so despicable.

Have fun guys and remember to FUCK OFF!

I'm missing your voice right now.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but all I want is for you to call me.

I need to hear your voice.
I want to know that everything will be okay.

I think it's because someone new is calling me.
His voice isn't has filled with the same devastating desire.
His accent isn't as pleasant.

Since when am I not worthy of even a text or IM anymore?
It's fine if you don't want this to become serious, but what happened to innocent conversation?

I'm seriously at a loss here.
You truly lived up to everything I accused you of.

What a damn shame.

ME vs I, ME vs MYSELF

I think I'm dying.
I think I'm fucking dying inside.

Why can't we just go back to a month ago?
Humor me and pretend that you want to make this work.
Pretend that you really care about me.

I need the sound of your voice.
I need your laughter.
I need your truth.

I'm fucking choking on regret every second of my day.

Letting it all play out

I know exactly how this is going to go.

We hook up.
I feel good for awhile
Then you tell me you're going back to her.

I don't want to go back there
back to Thanksgiving 2006
When you told me you didn't want me to come
That you fell for someone else.

I took you back once and I doubt I can do it again.
You keep pushing this
and I'm the only one that's going to get hurt.

I know two people who know how to handle me.
You're one of them.
I know you're an asshole
I know your games
But you know how to deal with everything I have (for the most part)

Why can't you just be freaking normal?

Fever Dreams

I dreamt about a cat causing a raucous in my room.

To see a cat in your dream, signifies much misfortune, treachery, and bad luck. However, for the cat lover, cats signifies an independent spirit, feminine sexuality, creativity, and power. If the cat is aggressive, then it suggests that you are having problems with the feminine aspect of yourself.

To dream that you chase the cat away, signifies that you will overcome your obstacles.

I know it was you Joe.
And I know that I'm having a battle with myself.
Why can't this all work itself out?

Really now...

Seriously Joe,

Grow the fuck up.

Honestly.

I can't stand these little mind games.

You're bored with me already huh?

Funny how YOU can be bored with ANYONE

when you NEVER leave the house.

You don't have a job.

You apparently can't drive.

You don't even have a hobby.

You've given up on doing the things you love.

Yet, everything around YOU is BORING?

Shame on me for letting my concerns go deeper than a few weeks.

You pushed it.

You gushed and shared your feelings.

OH, AND I'M SINGLE BY THE WAY.

Isn't this what you suggested at least three times a week?

and now what?

You won't even fucking talk to me.

WHAT A SHOCK.

Fuck off.

Now.

kaygreat.

Don't Waste Your Time On Me...

You're already the voice inside my head.

This is the only place where I can openly admit that I miss you.

I totally fucked up.

I wanted to make you mad because you frustrate me.

Please just say something.

I regret it all.

Heart Beats Backwards

Don't you get it?

I fucking like YOU.

YOU!

Not those dudes at the bar.

Not those band kids onstage.

Not those kids I went to school with.

YOU.

Fucking YOU.

You in your stupid house.

Alone in your stupid bed.

Way down in the fucking south.

Go ahead,

Sit there and mope.

Be sarcastic.

Be nonchalant.

Be an insomniac.

I fucking hate you.

DJ 2.0

I can't believe we laughed at his expense
I could hear him rumbling from deep down inside you

The same feelings
The same panic

Except you knew about what I went through
You claimed he was an asshole....you made excuses for yourself.

If things are okay
Then why won't you treat me the same?

I lay here with a heavy heart
Wondering how I fucked this up.

I warned you that telling you my feelings was futile
You ARE using them against me.

Do you not see it?
Are you really just dealing with shit and don't have the time for me?
Is there someone else?

Fucking BE HONEST.
I can't go through this shit again.

Dear Jim,

Pick up the phone.

I think that you might be the only person who gives me butterflies.

The only guy who has yet to give me that betrayed feeling.

I honestly believe that there is a reason for this wait

That something will come of all this...something other than heartache.

I miss thinking on the same level

I miss smiling and singing along to your guitar.

Please tell me there's some light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm sick of wishful thinking.

Speaking of the Devil.

I know how to summon them.
Obviously, I'm a fucking Muse.

r********0: i wouldn't really say that a text and a call is a lot of effort
r********0: you didn't leave me a voicemail or anything
r********0: i dont even think you responded to any of my posts i made on AP
r********0: i really thought you didnt want to talk to me at all
r********0: guess it would have been avoided if you'd just asked me why you thought i was mad at you, but i suppose the same could be said for me


Boys are seriously fucking retarded.
You ignore me and then I return the favor.
I tried to erase you....don't you get it?
IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT.

I feel like crying for you every fucking night.
I hope you're happy.

By the way, YOU'RE ERASED.

3.0

I'm going to fucking lay it on the line right now.

Fuck Georgia and the male species it breeds.

How on Earth can you honestly sit there and act like I don't exist after you told me that I'm one of maybe 2 people who you don't mind talking to in your life?
How can you talk to me via text, AIM, and phone every single day and then suddenly cut off all communication in one day?
How can you tell me you want to kiss me, to be with me, and in one day throw it all away?
How can you sit there looking at my posts, at my screename and not have a single explanation?

I KNOW YOU'RE DOING NOTHING RIGHT NOW.
Has this new medication really made you that much of an asshole?
Was a cure for insomnia all you needed and now I've become obsolete?

This is exactly why I don't believe in feelings.
The risk is complete bullshit and you seriously just get fucked over in the end.

Guess what?
I'm fucking erasing you.
Thanks for the memories.

To Do List:

1. Stop making friends on the internet
2. Sue google.

My Richochet

Won't it be 72 degrees
and perfection?

Tonight I reminisce on old writings
old flames
old love
old heartbreak.

Old inspiration
same old heartache.

When can we turn human?
Or is this it?

Let's hold hands and lay back
eyes up
stars shining down.
Maybe each other is all we really need.

--they're only chasing safety--

Internal Explosions

It's been awhile

since a boy has given me palpitations and butterflies

I'm a nervous wreck around you

and without you.

What a complete mind fuck.

Would it be so bad to have you feel the same?

Whatever, move on.

I'm done trying to come up with reasons for why you've basically cut me out of your life.

Going from talking to you every day
to becoming one of your "Top 3 People" in your life
to just being someone you want to bang and yet still be "friends" with...
to not even worthy of an IM....

FUCK this.
I have so much shit going on in my life...
...both good and bad...
and you're adding to it.

You remind me of HIM.
Yea, HIM.
I don't need another "HIM" in my life.

Way to ride the fail bought away from something that could have been great.
Maybe I'll see you when you get to Jersey.

I won't hold my breath.

Cursed.

Amazing how fast it took for you to seemingly no longer give a shit.

Can't you just get a phone already and use it to fucking give me a call sometime in you sorta busy/definitely bored state.

Or was that the whole point?
Make a friend for your brief period of lonliness
and once you're back on the high road,
I just become an after thought?


Please, come up with some new game.
I'm tired of this repeated bullshit.

My instincts say...

Never trust boys from New York.

They are certainly loads of trouble.

Standard Practice

I guess I should have told you that I don't like to mix business and pleasure.

And baby,
I'm all business
and You're all pleasure.

Just Curious

Do you ever miss me?
Do you ever think of me at night?
How about when you hear a song?
Or when you watch a movie?

Do you ever think about the times we hung out?
Do you have regrets or "what ifs"?

What do you think about when we do hang out?
--When we leave each other notes?
--Or texts?

Do I mean anything to you besides a challenge you NEED to conquer,
--a possible one night stand,
--or an easy target?

Look at me in the eyes and tell me I'm worth something more than your sick little fantasies.

What Is My Body Worth II

I'm almost at a loss for words.

You don't even know how you want me to see you.
It's one big contradiction.

This is heart vs body
Like vs Lust
But isn't the challenge so grand?

I want you to make me feel good
I know you can
You tried to show me...
and, oh, it felt so good
But you and I both know I'll regret it in the end.

Why can't we just be this _________
and it all be right?

Welcome to Lame-Town.

Population: You and your girlfriend.

Ever notice how lame a guy gets when he starts dating someone?
The girl that's a friend gets forgotten with time
and when their gf is away or they're really without plans
then, they remember who you are.

I hate relationships.
I always let my bf do whatever he wants
because I expect him to return the favor.

I don't understand how to be any other way
but completely free.
and so I eventually become too free
to the point where I'd rather just run with ease
and not with you.

F*ck this town.

an.american.god

He posted this in his blog.
I think it's tragically beautiful.

It's by Lydia.
Adam Lazzarra's vocals would do better justice though.

The truth is.

"I can't commit.
Be it heart--
--or hospital."


"I couldn't bring myself to call.
Except to call it quits..."


The only thing I know how to do well
is fail to live up to expectations.

Well, thanks a whole lot.

Ya know,

even if I'm over the bad news,
he still has completely skrewed me for life.

Every time someone comes around,
I just assume that it will all end the same way.

I keep seeing comparisons in behavior
and I get scared
and heartbroken
over barely nothing at all.

I honestly am unable to see them as two separate people
and maybe you are alike
or maybe you aren't

but I feel the language is the same
all destined for disaster.

Are you worth your weight in Gold?

Nothing like a person with lots of travel and life experience to make you feel like you're completely boring and probably worth nothing.

I'm truly the most insecure human being alive sometimes.

Creepmaster J's

it makes my skin crawl
to think of the creepy sh*t guys have tried to pull with me.

i worry for the female race who encounter them in the future.

forget me...NOT?

I now save my tears for the music,
not for you.

*the bad one has returned. please lord, protect me.*

"there is nothing but air between us"

love makes more sense
existing between them
than it does between me and whoever you are.

i think i'm cursed.

revelations...(of the life kind, not the bible)

maybe all i really want is an "i'm sorry"

dear male race,

i can't wait till im cooler than you

or at least too cool for words in your eyes.

If I only had...

a heart

a brain

the nerve.

"This is Not for Me"

sometimes when i'm feeling down and out
i listen to the music that chokes the life out of my heart.

i'm a masochist when it comes to you.

i feel like when we first met,
my heart fell out of my chest into your pocket.

i'm not sure if you know you have it
it probably fell out in the wash
and is buried among the socks
asking for it back means letting you know that you have it


i can only be so normal
so much of the time

"Cause these days are so long, and these drinks are so tall
And I've been spending my time counting the minutes
Just to feel consistent
Looking for you in every aspect of the world"

One Missed Call.

January 13, 2008 6:15PM
One Missed Call.

I never thought I'd see that name.
Didn't he know I was already on my way to see him?


I wonder what he would have said had i answered...
"Hey, what are you doing tonight? I'm having a show in NY, you should come."
"Hey, I'm having a show tonight, you better be here".
"Hey, I'm playing tonight, it'd mean a lot to me if you came out."

One Missed Call.
My imagination wanders as I wait for the 1 Downtown
that was switched with the 2 & 3...
I try calling him back...
...maybe I'm the first in his phone book and he made a mistake...
...maybe his phone dialed me by accident---ah ha no way, he has an EnV...
the 1 Downtown in it's usual fashion never came.

$4 metro card turns into a $7.70 cab ride.
I arrive in a blanket of sweat
I trump um two blocks to the Knitting Factory
...How did I miss that call?
...Why didn't I pick up?
One Missed Call.

Lone doorman
"I assume you will be drinking with us tonight?"
"Yes sir..." (now get me inside to see him)
he gives me unnecessary directions.

I hop downstairs almost forgetting where it is
I burst through the doors
Acoustic happenings on stage
I scan the room for signs of Casey...for Meg...for him.

I look over and he's in his jaded lonesome at his merch table, phone in hand.
I notice the usual heirem of girls crowded around, but he talks to no one.
I start to walk over.
His eye brows lift and he sort of stands,
"Hey, how are you?"
he asks easily.
"I'm good." I'm nervous...
I rattle off the unnecessary details about my trip to make the sure.
He says "I'm sorry?"
"No worries...I would have came either way..."

"I called you".
...it was on purpose...
"I know. I tried calling you back, but you didn't pick up."
"Oh" looks at phone "I don't get service down here.
He gets up to answer a call an incoming call/text.
Meg walks over and we chat.

The night moves on slowly.
I sit alone most of the night
the occasional backwards glance
I decide to drink for the sake of being able to stand any of this.
My mind is full of many thoughts jumping about
the main conclusion being that i want to take his hand and run away from all of this...

he moseys over every now an then
sings to T.T.S.F.--his good friends.
he seems forlorn
maybe it's the turnout
maybe it's that jj's in cali
or maybe it's dana.

dear dana.
would this even be possible without her?
what would he sing today?
would he sing at all?


minutes away from P.O.R...
i'm nearly drunk
all smiles on the outside
all tears on the inside.
chris comes and the mood is further lightened
"I will cry tonight"
...says my inner monologue.

The guitar strums and I move to the front with the crowd
The music starts...his cd opening followed by "How Fast"
and the set is in motion.

a good setlist, i must say...
mostly my favorites
I need another drink...
I need more money...i spent what i had saved for his cd on what it takes to numb everything.

he starts to strum a song that i believe originally had me in a teary-eyed frenzy
the words seem different
but i remember the intensity it once had
tears stream down my face
and i pray that no one is watching
i just keep sipping...

there's really only one song i need to hear
and he plays it
my grin couldn't have possibly been any bigger.

it's that simple, yet romantic song
that will never be worthy enough for anyone but the man who actually wrote and sang it
i can't imagine it being for anyone but him.
and finally the last song is strummed and we all sing along.

Afterwards I mosey around...I walk over to TTSF.
he's so nice and hopeful...i agree to buy his EP - $5

I walk over to *him*, holding my $20 with pride.
"You want a cd?"
"Yeaaa" I wonder how obvious it is that I'm drunk.
He gives me $5 back as he looks for another $5.
"KEEP IT" I blurt out
"What? No, I can't take your money, it's too much"
We fight back and forth.
"I don't care, I want you to have it. I support this".
He finally accepts and thanks me. I know he didn't expect it.
He doesn't understand that it's the least I can do.

I walk over to where Chris talks with Robb Hitt.
They discuss the up-coming Cobra Show.
Robb discusses eye candy and I somehow mention the guy in grey behind me is eye candy.
I think he heard me...

Robb introduces Chris to those boys
and then beckons me over to be next.
It's The Cab.
The boys with catchy music and soulful vocals.
oh, and 3 alex's in the band.
it makes for awkward introductions...i try to be clever by mentioning how my unique "y".
they seemed uninterested
when would we ever meet again?

Time to go
announces the bouncer several times.
I grab a quick photo with *him*
he asks if it's okay.
i lie and say it is just so he can finish packing.

We hug and I congratulate him on Columbia.
I mention I'm nervous and scared
don't sell out too quickly...enjoy europe.

Meg, Chris and I walk out into the cold, wet air ready for a diner.
I try to live in the moment.

I forget that they're California bound for a month
and then it's Europe for however long.
it'll be Spring when they come back.
i text him a thank you way early into monday
and he responds accordingly.

today I came to the city with headphones on.
all P.O.R. on repeat.
the words and hymns ingrain themselves in me.

A story starts to form from all these words.
I think I could really create this.
Write it down and make it mean something for everyone to relate to.
Maybe the facts won't be completely correct...but I do believe that there's a story there...


I want to have a good draft for when he comes back home

a new dedication

this was once dedicated the bad one.
reading it now, I realize it's much more fitting to a guy I know with actual self-respect and dignity, who treats me a lot better....
even if the feelings aren't as strong as they were in the beginning...it's funny how dead on these lyrics are:

My faith in you could move these mountains I am driving through
It's times like these when I wish I could teleport to you
'cause then we wouldn't have an issue
We're cleverly, strategically
Challenging our fright and insecurities,
And never seem to want to leave

To the Victims Go the Spoils

it's been awhile since i found a song for you
or maybe it's to all of you.

im the heartwreck kid.


its a long fall from the top [boy], and ive hit below the bottom before, you made me trade what we started for tears and heavy hearted now alright fine you got yours and ill get mine
and ive got the same songs on repeat, this is the worst mixtape you ever made for me

all the best kids die believers, put the phone to the reciever and ill leave [him] standing colder than a stone, abandon hope abandon love

so here it goes
well maybe mom was right your lips and eyes aren't worth the fight, but your lips have shared mine and i guess theyve had enough

polaroids and hair ties the spoils of war, pictures on your wall, empty beds and left unsaids and your heart to break my fall, and my name is no good in this town anymore to many kisses on collars lying on my closet floor

dont say a word as our heartbeats collect in stereo tonight


---2*sweet

Making contact

texting me 4x before i wake up in the morning

is absurd

texting me 12x during the day asking how i am and saying that you miss me

is annoying

texting me 6x at night asking when we're going to chat

is asking for trouble.

back off or be blocked out.

and WOW randomness:

the bad blast of the past made a return full of curiosity.

just when i forget about him for 3 days....

he shall be ignored for the time being.

and another old mention

who deleted me from his myspace

ignored my 2 friends requests

and called ME shady

friend requested me.

11:55pm dec 31, 2007

maybe he was hoping to start of the new year right.

well mister,

i hope you like the medicine you made

because your about to taste it yourself.

hello 2008.

2oo8

the beginning of
the best year
or the worst year
ever.

let the games begin.