a heart
a brain
the nerve.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
"This is Not for Me"
sometimes when i'm feeling down and out
i listen to the music that chokes the life out of my heart.
i'm a masochist when it comes to you.
i feel like when we first met,
my heart fell out of my chest into your pocket.
i'm not sure if you know you have it
it probably fell out in the wash
and is buried among the socks
asking for it back means letting you know that you have it
i can only be so normal
so much of the time
"Cause these days are so long, and these drinks are so tall
And I've been spending my time counting the minutes
Just to feel consistent
Looking for you in every aspect of the world"
i listen to the music that chokes the life out of my heart.
i'm a masochist when it comes to you.
i feel like when we first met,
my heart fell out of my chest into your pocket.
i'm not sure if you know you have it
it probably fell out in the wash
and is buried among the socks
asking for it back means letting you know that you have it
i can only be so normal
so much of the time
"Cause these days are so long, and these drinks are so tall
And I've been spending my time counting the minutes
Just to feel consistent
Looking for you in every aspect of the world"
Monday, January 14, 2008
One Missed Call.
January 13, 2008 6:15PM
One Missed Call.
I never thought I'd see that name.
Didn't he know I was already on my way to see him?
I wonder what he would have said had i answered...
"Hey, what are you doing tonight? I'm having a show in NY, you should come."
"Hey, I'm having a show tonight, you better be here".
"Hey, I'm playing tonight, it'd mean a lot to me if you came out."
One Missed Call.
My imagination wanders as I wait for the 1 Downtown
that was switched with the 2 & 3...
I try calling him back...
...maybe I'm the first in his phone book and he made a mistake...
...maybe his phone dialed me by accident---ah ha no way, he has an EnV...
the 1 Downtown in it's usual fashion never came.
$4 metro card turns into a $7.70 cab ride.
I arrive in a blanket of sweat
I trump um two blocks to the Knitting Factory
...How did I miss that call?
...Why didn't I pick up?
One Missed Call.
Lone doorman
"I assume you will be drinking with us tonight?"
"Yes sir..." (now get me inside to see him)
he gives me unnecessary directions.
I hop downstairs almost forgetting where it is
I burst through the doors
Acoustic happenings on stage
I scan the room for signs of Casey...for Meg...for him.
I look over and he's in his jaded lonesome at his merch table, phone in hand.
I notice the usual heirem of girls crowded around, but he talks to no one.
I start to walk over.
His eye brows lift and he sort of stands,
"Hey, how are you?"
he asks easily.
"I'm good." I'm nervous...
I rattle off the unnecessary details about my trip to make the sure.
He says "I'm sorry?"
"No worries...I would have came either way..."
"I called you".
...it was on purpose...
"I know. I tried calling you back, but you didn't pick up."
"Oh" looks at phone "I don't get service down here.
He gets up to answer a call an incoming call/text.
Meg walks over and we chat.
The night moves on slowly.
I sit alone most of the night
the occasional backwards glance
I decide to drink for the sake of being able to stand any of this.
My mind is full of many thoughts jumping about
the main conclusion being that i want to take his hand and run away from all of this...
he moseys over every now an then
sings to T.T.S.F.--his good friends.
he seems forlorn
maybe it's the turnout
maybe it's that jj's in cali
or maybe it's dana.
dear dana.
would this even be possible without her?
what would he sing today?
would he sing at all?
minutes away from P.O.R...
i'm nearly drunk
all smiles on the outside
all tears on the inside.
chris comes and the mood is further lightened
"I will cry tonight"
...says my inner monologue.
The guitar strums and I move to the front with the crowd
The music starts...his cd opening followed by "How Fast"
and the set is in motion.
a good setlist, i must say...
mostly my favorites
I need another drink...
I need more money...i spent what i had saved for his cd on what it takes to numb everything.
he starts to strum a song that i believe originally had me in a teary-eyed frenzy
the words seem different
but i remember the intensity it once had
tears stream down my face
and i pray that no one is watching
i just keep sipping...
there's really only one song i need to hear
and he plays it
my grin couldn't have possibly been any bigger.
it's that simple, yet romantic song
that will never be worthy enough for anyone but the man who actually wrote and sang it
i can't imagine it being for anyone but him.
and finally the last song is strummed and we all sing along.
Afterwards I mosey around...I walk over to TTSF.
he's so nice and hopeful...i agree to buy his EP - $5
I walk over to *him*, holding my $20 with pride.
"You want a cd?"
"Yeaaa" I wonder how obvious it is that I'm drunk.
He gives me $5 back as he looks for another $5.
"KEEP IT" I blurt out
"What? No, I can't take your money, it's too much"
We fight back and forth.
"I don't care, I want you to have it. I support this".
He finally accepts and thanks me. I know he didn't expect it.
He doesn't understand that it's the least I can do.
I walk over to where Chris talks with Robb Hitt.
They discuss the up-coming Cobra Show.
Robb discusses eye candy and I somehow mention the guy in grey behind me is eye candy.
I think he heard me...
Robb introduces Chris to those boys
and then beckons me over to be next.
It's The Cab.
The boys with catchy music and soulful vocals.
oh, and 3 alex's in the band.
it makes for awkward introductions...i try to be clever by mentioning how my unique "y".
they seemed uninterested
when would we ever meet again?
Time to go
announces the bouncer several times.
I grab a quick photo with *him*
he asks if it's okay.
i lie and say it is just so he can finish packing.
We hug and I congratulate him on Columbia.
I mention I'm nervous and scared
don't sell out too quickly...enjoy europe.
Meg, Chris and I walk out into the cold, wet air ready for a diner.
I try to live in the moment.
I forget that they're California bound for a month
and then it's Europe for however long.
it'll be Spring when they come back.
i text him a thank you way early into monday
and he responds accordingly.
today I came to the city with headphones on.
all P.O.R. on repeat.
the words and hymns ingrain themselves in me.
A story starts to form from all these words.
I think I could really create this.
Write it down and make it mean something for everyone to relate to.
Maybe the facts won't be completely correct...but I do believe that there's a story there...
I want to have a good draft for when he comes back home
One Missed Call.
I never thought I'd see that name.
Didn't he know I was already on my way to see him?
I wonder what he would have said had i answered...
"Hey, what are you doing tonight? I'm having a show in NY, you should come."
"Hey, I'm having a show tonight, you better be here".
"Hey, I'm playing tonight, it'd mean a lot to me if you came out."
One Missed Call.
My imagination wanders as I wait for the 1 Downtown
that was switched with the 2 & 3...
I try calling him back...
...maybe I'm the first in his phone book and he made a mistake...
...maybe his phone dialed me by accident---ah ha no way, he has an EnV...
the 1 Downtown in it's usual fashion never came.
$4 metro card turns into a $7.70 cab ride.
I arrive in a blanket of sweat
I trump um two blocks to the Knitting Factory
...How did I miss that call?
...Why didn't I pick up?
One Missed Call.
Lone doorman
"I assume you will be drinking with us tonight?"
"Yes sir..." (now get me inside to see him)
he gives me unnecessary directions.
I hop downstairs almost forgetting where it is
I burst through the doors
Acoustic happenings on stage
I scan the room for signs of Casey...for Meg...for him.
I look over and he's in his jaded lonesome at his merch table, phone in hand.
I notice the usual heirem of girls crowded around, but he talks to no one.
I start to walk over.
His eye brows lift and he sort of stands,
"Hey, how are you?"
he asks easily.
"I'm good." I'm nervous...
I rattle off the unnecessary details about my trip to make the sure.
He says "I'm sorry?"
"No worries...I would have came either way..."
"I called you".
...it was on purpose...
"I know. I tried calling you back, but you didn't pick up."
"Oh" looks at phone "I don't get service down here.
He gets up to answer a call an incoming call/text.
Meg walks over and we chat.
The night moves on slowly.
I sit alone most of the night
the occasional backwards glance
I decide to drink for the sake of being able to stand any of this.
My mind is full of many thoughts jumping about
the main conclusion being that i want to take his hand and run away from all of this...
he moseys over every now an then
sings to T.T.S.F.--his good friends.
he seems forlorn
maybe it's the turnout
maybe it's that jj's in cali
or maybe it's dana.
dear dana.
would this even be possible without her?
what would he sing today?
would he sing at all?
minutes away from P.O.R...
i'm nearly drunk
all smiles on the outside
all tears on the inside.
chris comes and the mood is further lightened
"I will cry tonight"
...says my inner monologue.
The guitar strums and I move to the front with the crowd
The music starts...his cd opening followed by "How Fast"
and the set is in motion.
a good setlist, i must say...
mostly my favorites
I need another drink...
I need more money...i spent what i had saved for his cd on what it takes to numb everything.
he starts to strum a song that i believe originally had me in a teary-eyed frenzy
the words seem different
but i remember the intensity it once had
tears stream down my face
and i pray that no one is watching
i just keep sipping...
there's really only one song i need to hear
and he plays it
my grin couldn't have possibly been any bigger.
it's that simple, yet romantic song
that will never be worthy enough for anyone but the man who actually wrote and sang it
i can't imagine it being for anyone but him.
and finally the last song is strummed and we all sing along.
Afterwards I mosey around...I walk over to TTSF.
he's so nice and hopeful...i agree to buy his EP - $5
I walk over to *him*, holding my $20 with pride.
"You want a cd?"
"Yeaaa" I wonder how obvious it is that I'm drunk.
He gives me $5 back as he looks for another $5.
"KEEP IT" I blurt out
"What? No, I can't take your money, it's too much"
We fight back and forth.
"I don't care, I want you to have it. I support this".
He finally accepts and thanks me. I know he didn't expect it.
He doesn't understand that it's the least I can do.
I walk over to where Chris talks with Robb Hitt.
They discuss the up-coming Cobra Show.
Robb discusses eye candy and I somehow mention the guy in grey behind me is eye candy.
I think he heard me...
Robb introduces Chris to those boys
and then beckons me over to be next.
It's The Cab.
The boys with catchy music and soulful vocals.
oh, and 3 alex's in the band.
it makes for awkward introductions...i try to be clever by mentioning how my unique "y".
they seemed uninterested
when would we ever meet again?
Time to go
announces the bouncer several times.
I grab a quick photo with *him*
he asks if it's okay.
i lie and say it is just so he can finish packing.
We hug and I congratulate him on Columbia.
I mention I'm nervous and scared
don't sell out too quickly...enjoy europe.
Meg, Chris and I walk out into the cold, wet air ready for a diner.
I try to live in the moment.
I forget that they're California bound for a month
and then it's Europe for however long.
it'll be Spring when they come back.
i text him a thank you way early into monday
and he responds accordingly.
today I came to the city with headphones on.
all P.O.R. on repeat.
the words and hymns ingrain themselves in me.
A story starts to form from all these words.
I think I could really create this.
Write it down and make it mean something for everyone to relate to.
Maybe the facts won't be completely correct...but I do believe that there's a story there...
I want to have a good draft for when he comes back home
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
a new dedication
this was once dedicated the bad one.
reading it now, I realize it's much more fitting to a guy I know with actual self-respect and dignity, who treats me a lot better....
even if the feelings aren't as strong as they were in the beginning...it's funny how dead on these lyrics are:
My faith in you could move these mountains I am driving through
It's times like these when I wish I could teleport to you
'cause then we wouldn't have an issue
We're cleverly, strategically
Challenging our fright and insecurities,
And never seem to want to leave
reading it now, I realize it's much more fitting to a guy I know with actual self-respect and dignity, who treats me a lot better....
even if the feelings aren't as strong as they were in the beginning...it's funny how dead on these lyrics are:
My faith in you could move these mountains I am driving through
It's times like these when I wish I could teleport to you
'cause then we wouldn't have an issue
We're cleverly, strategically
Challenging our fright and insecurities,
And never seem to want to leave
Monday, January 7, 2008
To the Victims Go the Spoils
it's been awhile since i found a song for you
or maybe it's to all of you.
im the heartwreck kid.
its a long fall from the top [boy], and ive hit below the bottom before, you made me trade what we started for tears and heavy hearted now alright fine you got yours and ill get mine
and ive got the same songs on repeat, this is the worst mixtape you ever made for me
all the best kids die believers, put the phone to the reciever and ill leave [him] standing colder than a stone, abandon hope abandon love
so here it goes
well maybe mom was right your lips and eyes aren't worth the fight, but your lips have shared mine and i guess theyve had enough
polaroids and hair ties the spoils of war, pictures on your wall, empty beds and left unsaids and your heart to break my fall, and my name is no good in this town anymore to many kisses on collars lying on my closet floor
dont say a word as our heartbeats collect in stereo tonight
---2*sweet
or maybe it's to all of you.
im the heartwreck kid.
its a long fall from the top [boy], and ive hit below the bottom before, you made me trade what we started for tears and heavy hearted now alright fine you got yours and ill get mine
and ive got the same songs on repeat, this is the worst mixtape you ever made for me
all the best kids die believers, put the phone to the reciever and ill leave [him] standing colder than a stone, abandon hope abandon love
so here it goes
well maybe mom was right your lips and eyes aren't worth the fight, but your lips have shared mine and i guess theyve had enough
polaroids and hair ties the spoils of war, pictures on your wall, empty beds and left unsaids and your heart to break my fall, and my name is no good in this town anymore to many kisses on collars lying on my closet floor
dont say a word as our heartbeats collect in stereo tonight
---2*sweet
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Making contact
texting me 4x before i wake up in the morning
is absurd
texting me 12x during the day asking how i am and saying that you miss me
is annoying
texting me 6x at night asking when we're going to chat
is asking for trouble.
back off or be blocked out.
the bad blast of the past made a return full of curiosity.
just when i forget about him for 3 days....
he shall be ignored for the time being.
and another old mention
who deleted me from his myspace
ignored my 2 friends requests
and called ME shady
friend requested me.
11:55pm dec 31, 2007
maybe he was hoping to start of the new year right.
well mister,
i hope you like the medicine you made
because your about to taste it yourself.
hello 2008.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
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